I am reading a book by the Title “When Sinners Say I Do” Just the part I have read made me understand the hell my parents marriage was, and the feeling I felt the first two years of high school. My parents are both dead and I don’t want to bring up the past, however something about it still effects me today. I wrote on a couple blogs ago about a friend from high school and how after we talked a few weks ago I felt that feeling I had in high school for two years.
The Bible records many peoples sins, from Adam and Eve to King Davids, etc etc. I am going to write this out. I may later delete it but right now I am going to write it out.
My parents told a story whenever we had company at our home. My Mom had been the school secretary to the President of the Bible college she and my Dad attended. My Dad asked her out for 6 months and she kept saying no. He would not give up so she finally gave in and they went out and fell in love and got married. BUT, I knew that my Dad hated my Mom and I wondered my entire childhood who had done what, and why had my Dad stopped loving her and now hated her. I did not find out until after their car accident in 1988, why my Dad hated my Mom. She and I were driving from Palo Cedro, to Redding and I asked her why she put up with him and what had happened that made him hate her. She told me that after they were engaged, two weeks before the wedding my Dad told her he did not love her and did not want to get married. She told him that they had already sent out the invitations, her dress was made and they could not back out now. They got married under those circumstances. She also said someone had told her he was a great catch and she thought that since he had loved her he would fall in love with her again after they got married. TOTALLY opposite happened. He grew to hate her. He had affair after affair and treated her with total disgust.
He was beaten horribly and grew up a totally sinful, lustful man. He beat us, hated us, tho he pretended to the world in public to be a “good” father. Our life was hell that would take books to retell and not going there. But in 1973 we moved to Redding for my older brother and I to go to a Christian High School. We met guys and girls who’s parents did not beat them and my Dad for some reason stopped beating us in his rage after meeting these people. It was a magical time like we had never known before. We had friends, guys and girls and life was good for two years. I felt a feeling those two years that was from our Dad not hitting us, Churn Creek Bottom, Brandy Creek etc etc. I loved how life felt those two years and then the wreck happened.
I thought the wreck ruined my life. I thought it changed me but after reading this book, I realized this yesterday, that the wreck brought out the real me. A person filled with rage, anger, distrust, and totally sinful. I thought I had changed but in actuality the real me came out.
I lost interest in my friends and was a loner, discontent, filled with rage, and wanted to run away from life. I was so so so so lost.
Fast forward 6 years. I met Ed. I liked him. The first day I met him I thought, “He is unselfish and kind and I want to be like him” I did not realize that he was that way because he was a cool guy but also because he was a true born again believer. Now all these years later, my life is greatly changed from hearing Gods word via the Dr.
I have just since the Counseling conference realized that the gospel, from the Dr’s words, is what has changed me so intensely. Such an amazing thing is that, sanctification will not end. I get to keep on being changed. I keep seeing and understanding the truth and keep changing.
This book is making it happen even more. Now I understand why I was so messed up. I was so full of sin on every level back then. My husband loved me through all of it and of course he loves the change. He won’t ever leave Grace because he sees the change in me on going and wants it to keep on-going.
I realized that what ever that feeling was back then, ment nothing as it was on top of all my sin that the wreck exposed inside of me. Now I don’t ever want that feeling, I want to keep seeing my sin exposed and keep changing. I love Christianity, being changed via sanctification.
My husband is pure gold and has loved me through all the stages, levels, years of sanctification. I was total sinner and still am, and don’t need any feeling from anywhere to cover up my sin. I want to live in total reality and let sanctification keep on doing its change in me.
So thankful we live in Bozeman, Montana. So thankful for the reality of the verse, “Man makes his plans, but God directs his steps. So so Thankful for God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit, my husband and his constant ongoing faith, love and kindness and for the Dr., his ability to teach Gods word, love Gods word and live Gods word. Thankful for so so so much more than words can say.
Read this quote by RC Sproul today. “Love is more of a verb than a noun. It has more to do with acting than with feeling” I feel so much in this life and I feel love and being loved all the way to the depths of my being. I want to act out love always to those closest to me and to those I come in contact with. Jesus Christ’s love has and continues to, change me. I was 100% sinner and He has always 100% loved me. I am still all sinner, but His sanctification keeps changing me for what is coming forever. XOXOXO