I have a watercolor picture of a watermelon quilt. A quote is written on the left side and across the top that says, “Friends are like melons, shall I tell you why? To find one good you must a hundred try.” Claude Mermat
I had my fair share of friends in highschool, was in a horrific wreck and lost interest in many things including being close to people. My body lived but something died inside me and I became detached from life around me. I suppose if I went and told someone who was trained to understand such effects they would explain it to me but what would be the point… It would not have changed my broken detachment.
In the last couple years I started to trust and love in the deepest part of me and.believe deep inside me that God the Father loves me. I have had kind women try to make friendships with me but did not connect enough to continue and just let it go and had no desire to connect any deeper than a casual friendship.
Now in the last two years, two ladies I have known for well over a decade I feel connected to. I look forward to seeing them and feel deeply comfortable around them. Both are widows and both are genuinely kind, real, caring, deeply connected women.
I have been so disconnected on a deep level most of my life and finding out God the Father is not like my biological father, has brought me back to where ever it is a person has to be to have the desire to connect and make friendships.
My one girlfriend starts the morning texting me on the phone. We have so many of the same interests it makes it easy to connect. I held her at arms length all these years because I was more dead inside than alive and just going through the motions acting out life, because, I couldn’t die. All of me is coming alive. I have the emotional energy to connect and want to connect.
I think more than I talk, and could never write all my thoughts on all of this but this I know, God the Father never let me die all the times I should have died from illness and accident, because He wanted me to live and not just my heart beating and my lungs breathing, acting out life, but to come alive and love and trust and be fully alive now and forever.
I am so thankful for my girlfriends. They have had deep hurts and pain in life and somehow stayed connected. I could not stay connected. I was overwhelmed by life and the pain. Now I am not. I am healed, I want to connect and in a quiet, soft, gentle loving way they both have let me into their lives.
They are both believers and we will be alive forever . I have not heard the Dr. say this in a long time but he use to use the term “total disconnect”. . I appeared to be here but I was a total disconnect and only tried to appear connected on the surface not knowing how to be all these years. The Dr’s words have connected me to living and being alive and so much so that I am connecting to people from the deepest part of me. I am truly alive.
I am a morning person and always wake up b4 the alarm and lay in bed and think so as not to disturb those who are sleeping. In thinking about the horrors going on in this world.I get sick inside and then I switch to thinking about the reality that God is sovereign over all and all the people who rejected His sons gift of life, and are now in hell, were once precious little babes and children and they made there choice to reject His Sons gift of life. That is the only way I can deal with the horror going on in this world and not feel guilty for having such a blessed life now.
Also, one more wonderful wonderful thing….my daughter has found true love. He loves her and our granddaughters and they love him. He is like my husband, unselfish, kind, giving, trustworthy. He will not live together with my daughter until they are married because he wants the girls to know that when you live together it is in marriage with a commitment. Precious wonderful all the good this man is bringing to their lives. It has brought connection and security to my little granddaughters and a soft gentleness to my daughter.
I have put the emphasis on loving being the greatest, and it is, but my daughter and granddaughters being loved by this precious man, and their connection of course and loving him back is priceless and precious.
My being connected to life and now this young mans love for our girls is precious beyond description. XOXOXO